How to get a 10 year old boy to settle down Part 2

September 2nd, 2009
After that last post the mom asked a few more questions. Below is my response:
As an out-sider looking in may I make another suggestion? I have 14 kids. I am no expert, and sure made my fair share of mistakes when my now grown kids were little, but I have a few ideas.
Your son is the oldest- with a pretty good gap between him and the next one down in age. Know what I learned with my own kids? It is hard to compete with cute and little. Really hard. Hard for any age, but a 10 year old boy is really in a bad spot. He is no longer cute and huggable, but he is not old enough to gain any real respect either. I can assure you he feels dull and awkward. A kndergartener needs a lot of help. They have cute boldly colored books. They giggle and play. Then there is the toddler who is cuter still and truly needs attention.
So your son is bored with being 10. No real rewards at 10- can’t exactly drive. No longer the baby. No longer cute. Not interesting in the least. Being boring makes you BORED, and a bit angry. Being angry makes you rude and silly. Maybe being funny will get mom’s attention? Maybe being slow will get her in here with me? Even yelling at me is something. More than that though. If she is mad and yelling and off kilter….I HAVE POWER. More power than any other 10 year old. More power than the cute babies. More power than mom even I AM SOMEONE.
So what to do? I have found punishment is really counter productive. I am a spanker for small children- to teach and train. But once they are that big- forget it. All you do is add bricks to the wall that they are building. Instead- mom- become fun. Start moving from mom the order giver, to mom the friend. No equal buddy buddy friend, but friend.
Make time. Play video games ( my eyes are rolling- I am BAD at this, but it gives the kids a good laugh). Make sure the younger ones go to bed earlier than he does. You need to watch movies, tv, read, play games, take a walk, what-ever with just this son. He needs time that he is not competing with the younger two. If bedtime is not staggered- change it. it will make a world of difference. Then make dates with this boy. He needs to have a bond of not just love, but friendship with you. Going to play miniture golf, a movie, to get a coke- anything. He needs that special ” Mom loves me in a way she does not love you” feeling. Not more than the others, but special.
No one wants to fight and be rude to a loving friend. He will obey better if he has a happy base of attatchment to you. The love you poured into him as a baby/toddler is not enough. It has to change and grow as he does. One day the strings of obedience will be cut completely, and it is the strings of love that will keep him calling you when he is grown.
He is a boy wanting to be a man, but too childish still to make that hurdle. Help him over. make being a grown-up even more fun than being a kid. Find ways to stoke the fire of adulthood. Not in forcing chores, but rewarding each step he takes toward it. Ask his help when you can. A boy that fixes things for mom is proud! Not chores- everyone can do that- and he should be doing his fair share. But extra things. My boys can fix a broken door knob- I don’t have a clue how to do it. They can get that mower to run. They lift and carry. They love being men-in-the -making! Stop leading so much mom! You are raising a man! Stop and realize how grand that is mom!! And make strong memories with him. Blessings of joy to you! Hugs, Barbara